My wife was upset with me and rightfully so.
I was distracted. I was neglecting important things at home. I was getting accused of not knowing what was happening all around me because I was too busy watching a video or scrolling through social media on my phone.
I wasn’t present, and I certainly wasn’t thinking about what needed to get done, what was important, and what was the next right thing.
The accusation finally hit when she said I wasn’t thinking. She believed I was outsourcing my thinking on things that I had no control over and not doing it at all regarding things that needed my attention.
Ultimately, it wasn’t an accusation so much as confirmation.
I was in a much more in-depth relationship with my phone than with the people in my household.
That needed to change.
My iPhone has a whole section for screen time. I had not looked at it in a long time and I was a little afraid. My average screen time was 6 hours 14 minutes, and I picked up my phone 60 times per day. I was not surprised.
I tell myself my phone is a tool. That I’m using it, not the other way around. But tools don’t buzz in your pocket while you’re trying to write. They don’t light up during dinner. They don’t whisper “just check me once” when you’re lying in bed at 11 PM, finally ready to sleep.
My phone isn’t a tool. It’s a toxic relationship.
I’ve spent the last few years telling myself I’m good at managing distractions. That I can write an email and scroll RSS feeds. That checking Instagram Reels between work jobs helps me “take breaks.” That scanning headlines while my coffee brews is just being efficient.
I was lying to myself. I wasn’t being efficient. I was fractured.
Every empty moment in my life had become a chance to fill my brain with something. Home from work and just want to relax? News headlines. Standing in line at the grocery store? Email. Driving my car? A podcast. I’ve eliminated every second of boredom from my days. And you know what else I eliminated? The space where I used to figure things out.
When was the last time I’d just… thought? Not consumed information. Not reacted to messages. Just sat somewhere and let my mind work through something that mattered?
I couldn’t remember.
I traded thinking for consuming. And I didn’t even notice I’d made the trade. I realized I check my phone more often than I talk to my wife. That, my friends, is not a healthy relationship.
So, I’ve made a few special modifications.
I turned off every notification on my phone except texts and calls. All of them. No email badges. No social media alerts. No news pings. No app updates. Nothing. If something truly matters, I’ll find out. Usually from my wife, in an actual conversation.
I deleted Google and Apple News apps. I stopped pretending I needed to know everything that was happening everywhere, all the time.
I deleted Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, and the Threads apps. I had already deleted Twitter last year. Now, I only interact with these services when sitting at my computer. They aren’t constantly in my hand begging me to “check them.”
A few things made the cut. I did keep my podcast app, Overcast, but I’m re-evaluating what I’m listening to and refocusing the content. I also kept Inoreader to read the many RSS feeds I’ve collected over the years. I’m up to nearly 275, so it’s way past time for a wave of personal curation on what is truly worthwhile to read and keep.
While I have a great many digital books, I wasn’t using my phone to read them. I’ve changed that and have started reading for pleasure via my phone instead of mindlessly scrolling.
Another interesting addition to my toolbox has been an actual physical notebook. Each day, I write down lists of things I need to remember, to-dos, and really anything else that comes to mind. I set up each day in quadrants: Me, Copy, Home, and Work. I’ve only had it out for a few days, but I think it’s working as intended.
My phone is still being used constantly, but now I use it when I decide to, not when it tells me to. The goal is to be more present, get more writing done, have better conversations, sleep better, and feel less anxious. Not because I’m more disciplined or more enlightened, but because I created space for my brain to do what brains are supposed to do. Think.
I’m not here to tell you that I’m now a better person because I deleted some social media apps and went slightly analog, and you could be just like me. You do you, boo. All I know is it’s helping me focus and, more importantly, think better.
Of course, I’m still checking my phone more than I should. However, I’m better at sitting with the discomfort of boredom instead of scrolling it away. Now, I’m thinking about something that matters instead of consuming something that doesn’t.
Start wherever you are. Delete your least-used social media app. Walk the dog without anything in your ears. See what shows up when you make room for it.
It’s amazing what a little thinking time can do.
Be seeing you.
